Losing someone we love is one of the hardest experiences we can face in life. But when that person dies by suicide, grief can become even more complicated. Alongside the sadness, the shock and the overwhelming sense of loss, there can be questions that keep returning to us, leaving us wondering we could have done something differently.
We may find ourselves looking back over conversations, searching our memories for signs we might have missed, or wishing we had found the right words at the right moment. We may question whether we did enough, whether we should have recognised their pain sooner, or whether there was something more we could have done to help. Even when we know, logically, that we could not have known everything another person was experiencing, the feeling of guilt can be incredibly difficult to quieten.
There can be other layers of guilt, too. We might question whether we have the right to grieve, especially if our relationship with the person was complicated or had changed over the years. We might feel guilt for carrying on with our lives, for having moments when we smile or laugh, or for not being as strong as we think we should be for the people around us. Sometimes, we can become so caught up in what we believe we should have done that we struggle to show ourselves the same compassion we would offer someone else.
I don’t think we talk enough about these feelings. Grief is already difficult to navigate, but guilt can make it even harder, particularly when there are questions we may never be able to answer. We can find ourselves caught between knowing that we love someone and wondering whether our love should somehow have been enough to change what happened.
I am writing this because I have experienced some of these feelings myself since losing Paul. I don’t have all the answers, and I am not writing from a place where everything has healed or suddenly makes sense. I am still trying to understand my own grief, the questions I carry, and the guilt that sometimes comes with it.
But I want to share my experience because I know how lonely these feelings can be. If you have also lost someone to suicide, perhaps you will recognise some of what I describe. My hope is that, by being honest about my own journey, I might help you feel a little less alone in yours.
Before I can explain the guilt I carry, though, I need to share a little about Paul and why losing him has affected me so deeply.
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